I finished a bundle (what is the word for a group of wraps? A ‘cuddle’ would be nice) of wraps this weekend and they were all posted yesterday. Some for the UK arrived this morning and as soon as I remembered this I started to feel incredibly anxious. I convince myself the buyers will hate them and that it will turn out that there is a whole heap of flaws I’ve missed before sending.
Part of this is due to my personality; I’ve learnt I am essentially an anxious person. Indeed my grandmother, who I suspect was mildly OCD, used to say that she worried if she didn’t have anything to worry about, so I could have well inherited a little of her (I hope so, she was the best).
I’m able to manage that though, I’m not a psychotherapist for nothing and am able to self soothe.
Part of it though is fuelled by various posts in baby wearing Facebook groups where people, quite understandably, are unsure what is a normal characteristic of a handwoven wrap and what is not. I allow this to encourage my thinking that my weaving isn’t up to scratch, that the natural ‘charms’ of my weaving will be held up as flaws and proof I am a fraud.
I know this feeling isn’t unique to me or to weavers. I remember an old colleague of mine from the NHS who had been working in the same field for many years and was widely respected among his peers and clients talking about retiring and that he may have just about got away with it. He meant that he felt as though no one had worked out he couldn’t do his job. I was amazed that someone so competent could feel like this but it gave me hope that maybe although I felt a bit rubbish at what I do, it may not be the reality.
Now working in mental health is a little different to producing something tangible like a baby wrap; when supporting someone through depression it’s very difficult to know whether or not you’ve made a difference. I thought that changing to a job where I make stuff would alter my sense of achievement and it has, but not as much as I’d hoped! I guess that means it must be something inside me that needs changing then. I’m getting there, this post may sound all a bit doom and gloom but a pinch of self doubt is a good thing, in reason. I think we all need to be mindful of our shortcomings, change comes from awareness after all. Now I just have to work out whether it’s my weaving or my self image I need to work on…